Having not played any games in the series, walking into the dim room which housed CD Projekt Red’s latest Witcher game, Wild Hunt, was a bit overwhelming for me. The devs were all a little tipsy, as they were handing out beers to each journo walking in. It was the last showing of the game on the last day of E3. We were all tired, excited, and ready to go home. This mixture of feelings accentuated my light interest in the game before me as I settled into my seat and the devs began the presentation.

Sure enough, Wild Hunt acts exactly like I expected, which is what I saw during the previous day’s press conferences. All I knew about the series was that you were a white haired dude named Geralt who killed monsters, everyone hated you, but women still liked it when you looked at their boobs. I didn’t learn much more than that from the presentation.

Geralt delivered a griffin head to some fat guy in a bar and the dude told Geralt where Geralt’s lady friend was last seen. Our gruff hero then fast traveled to a swamp and rescued a fairy boy named Johnny’s voice from some harpies. The fairy boy really should’ve left his voice in that nest, yeesh. But then he brought Geralt to an old lady who then brought him to a tapestry with a bunch of half naked ladies on it. Geralt, carefully concealing his boner, gets a message from the quilt: Go to the other swamp village and show this big honkin’ dagger to the chief. He knows what’s up.

image_the_witcher_3_wild_hunt-25218-2651_0003

At around this point I started to lose track of who was dealing with what. But Geralt eventually rode up to a cave, killed a werewolf, then stabbed a tree in its disgusting spiky heart. CD Projekt Red told the audience that the player could choose whether to kill the tree or disobey the quilt ladies. It turns out the tapestry girls are actually really gross (and really cool looking) witches that tell you that your black haired buddy was taken in by them. Geralt looks a little worried, showing emotion for the first time the whole demo. It then promptly ends.

I don’t have a frame of reference for the game, of course, but overall the demo seemed fun. The combat was exciting, as you’re able to use your surroundings to your advantage. At one point, swamp gas was ignited by Geralt’s flame power to dispose of an enemy. It seemed like you were the master of your domain while in combat, and I think that fits well in the characterization of Geralt. He’s a fighter first, and socialization isn’t his strong suit. If he can’t get something by killing a monster, he won’t get it. It still confuses me how he gets laid so often, though. There were a LOT of prostitutes in the demo but I doubt that’s who he sleeps with. Magic? Dragons? Other high fantasy tropes? Who knows.

But overall The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt seems like a fun game. It had a vast world, great creature design, and fluid combat. That’s about all I’d need to have at least a little fun in a video game. Also, before you ask, I didn’t drink any booze. Gotta keep my wits about me, just like Geralt. Except I’m hunting games, not warlocks or whatever.

John Michonski
John Michonski is one of the world's foremost Men Whom Game, and is very good at layin down some humor funnies. He also does things on Videogamechoochoo.com. Namaste.

Mystery Halo 5 Character and A Few New Story Details Revealed

Previous article

OnlySP Mid-Year Site Review

Next article

4 Comments

  1. terrible article

  2. Wow, doesn’t sound like you enjoyed the game at all. And did they actually show a scene of him “carefully concealing his boner”? That seems very out of character. I’m having a hard time believing CDPR would do something like that with Geralt.

    Also, I obviously can’t comment on the third game, but based on my experience from the first two, the statement, “If he can’t get something by killing a monster, he won’t get it” doesn’t seem right either. There were times where negotiating with people or playing politics was a valid way of acquiring information or items. Also happened a lot in the books. Violence, especially against humans, was always a last resort. Would suck if they changed all this for the third game.

    1. Easy, author doesn’t know the reality of this game, because he had never played it. All opinion is based only on the demo, which is ridiculous.

  3. This text, reminds me one word ignorance and demonstrates a lack of professionalism. How can you write about something about which you have no idea.

Comments are closed.

You may also like