ZERO HOURS REMAIN

ZERO HOURS REMAIN

In Australia, it’s already the 21st, and, as prophesied, the end has arrived. There is mass panic and death and bloody blood everywhere. Not even the kangaroos were spared. I can only hope that this message reaches you all in time, so you may best prepare for your own inevitable, horrible ends. These three games will teach you the skills we lacked, in the hope that some may carry on. Please heed my warning and prepare.

1 – DayZ – Survival Skills

DayZ was previously thought to be a purely fictional work – a piece of empty entertainment. Alas! We learned too late that it was really a guidebook for survival! If only we had known what wizdom DayZ held for us, we may have survived a few hours more. Vital skills, such as how to crawl on your belly for hours, dodging the unliving, and sneaking into the middle of a once-great city to scavenge a tin of beans and some matches. Or how to read a map – actually read a map – by looking at compass bearings and landmarks, or navigate by using the position of the sun or stars. Oh, the sun! To see the sun again! Or how to pitch your tent in the wilderness, near a lake and a hunting ground for goats, so that you may kill and gut them, then feast on their tender fleshes. Or even how to deal with encountering another, rare living human: by getting shot and killed by someone at Stary using a hacked AS50 with NV. If only we had realised how these survival skills could aid us, we may have lasted a whole three hours.

2 – Motorstorm: Apocalypse – Transportation

When our houses were overrun and our people disemboweled by wretched flesh-beasts from another dimension, our only hope for survival was to flee, for they could find us where we hid. When the first earthquakes hit and our roads collapsed, many of us lacked the skills necessary to traverse this unholy twisting of the Earth’s face. What we needed was to have played more of the high-speed survival simulator Motorstorm: Apocalypse. Racing through falling cities in cars or motorbikes, and navigating an ever-changing landscape of urban hell by avoiding obstacles could have saved our now-scorched skins. Speed, and the ability to quickly react to the unexpected shifting of landscapes in a variety of different vehicles is a vital skill. Motorstorm: Apocalypse showed us that to live, we had to race. Unfortunately, we did not race. Or live. Learn from our mistakes and live, at least until the hell-beasts catch up and eat your pancreas.

3 – Cooking Mama – Nutrition

Those that were not consumed in the first fiery blasts of fiery fire and managed to survive and evade the onslaught of demony horror-things soon found themselves growing hungry, even though it has only been four hours. Edible food was rare, leaving us with a decidedly unappetizing and difficult to handle number of objects, such as bricks, dirt, insects, lamp-shades, and cucumber. Oh, that we had payed more attention to the essential guide to nutrition and dietary requirements, Cooking Mama, we may not have resorted to such drastic measures as string beans and socks. Essential skills of chopping, slicing, chopping, and combining ingredients in aesthetically and gastrically pleasing arrangements while adhering to a strict yet arbitrary time-limit went to waste, as we foolishly scorned the valuable lessons of Cooking Mama. Our only regret now is that not even Mama can fix this.

The time of the prophecy has arrived and the end is upon us all. Heed my warning. Fail to learn from our mistakes at your own peril. Your death will come – that is certain – but with these skills, you may just live to see your friends and loved ones die first. Good luck to you. May you outlive cucumber.

Lachlan Williams
Former Editor in Chief of OnlySP. A guy who writes things about stuff, apparently. Recovering linguist, blue pencil surgeon, and professional bishie sparkler. In between finding the latest news, reviewing PC games, and generally being a grumpy bossyboots, he likes to watch way too much Judge Judy. He perhaps has too much spare time on his hands. Based in Sydney, Australia. Follow him on twitter @lawksland.

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