NOTE: The purpose of this article is purely comedic, and it is not meant to insult, offend, or demean an individual or group in any way.
By now, it’s no secret that a lot of people were not happy with Diablo III‘s launch today. All was not lost, however, as they found refuge in the Metacritic user reviews section, where they were free to expel their inner demons by way of questionable grammar skills. For today’s feature debut of Concerning Comments, In dedication to their hardships and misery, we’ve compiled the very best of the user reviews for you to view here. Be warned, for they will put tears in your eye, even if they happen to be tears of laughter. Comments, commence!
The Hatred Begins
We begin with a user who was so angry at the fact that the game was rated ‘2+’ by PEGI, that he ‘wanted back his cash.’ A noble pursuit, though I’m pretty sure you could have checked the rating on the box.
We then stumble upon this fellow, who was surprised that a game released this year was expensive. He also stated “Why is RPG called?”, though I think he meant to say “Why is RPG cold?”, presumably because he left the game in his freezer in a fit of rage.
Unfortunately for the user below, the game “very disappointed” him. He even came to the conclusion that because the game cost him $100, Blizzard “are fat guys.” You learn something new every day.
Estel thought lowly of Diablo III, explaining that he was disappointed that it didn’t play like “minesweaper.” He does have a point; why did Blizzard use “so mutch” of their time to “makes it boring?”
Then came the heroic 3point7, whose plan of attack was simple but elegant. He called anybody who liked the game an “autistic man child brony” and displayed a continuous stream of rage at error 3.7, the malevolent entity that seems to be causing much of today’s rage.
FalseParadigm is probably finished building a shelter against the “blizzdrones” as we speak. Nevertheless, he’s probably my favorite for his use of the phrase “pay2win”. I see a future for this lad.
Many people disliked Diablo III today, but s*** certainly got real when esteemed rager Gravaviel said that he disliked it “profusely.” Oh, the humanity!
It seems that the chant 3point7 did earlier worked, because at that point Error 37 took physical form and logged onto Metacritic to write his own review. He is, apparently, the embodiment of everything that’s wrong with the game.
Of course, there’s always the option of waiting for “pirates to the solve it.” After all, pirates solve everything.
Or, you could just enable Caps Lock. That works too.
You know your game is bad when people can’t tell it apart from Call of Duty. Enough said.
Luckily, even Roger Ebert’s son was able to swoop in to save the day by calling D3 “the most cancerous game of the century”, and stating that the graphics managed to build a time machine, considering they were from 2001.
One user disagreed with Ebert Jr, however. He stated the game was in fact “cancer killing”, probably due to its whimsical “Disney storytelling” that warms even the hardest of hearts. He also criticized Blizzard’s marketing philosophy, saying it needed to be more subtle. Because, you know, it’s not the marketing department’s job to get people interested in the game, is it?
Finally, we get the ultimate hater. A guy who dislikes the game so much, that he couldn’t even think straight while writing and accidentally called the game a first-person shooter. I’m sure we can all relate to him.
The naysayers did not go unchallenged, however. Several bright-eyed Paladins stormed onto the battlefield, attempting to shower Diablo III with utmost praise. Let’s see how they did.
According to MLGArcane, some “**** retards” just can’t log in, “for ****sake.” He was essentially raging against the ragers; an effective tactic.
The fellow user below was at a loss of words when he witnessed the mangled words before him, as he found that he needed to freeze mid sentence.
Estan, who is probably Estel’s good twin, thinks Diablo III is “absolutely perfect.” Seriously. “It has no flaws and is really fun to play.” Finally, as a sort of insult to Communism, he stated that “the people are pathetic.” Genius.
But you know what the real problem is? Those darn kids. They can’t log onto the game, simply due to the fact that “summer is here.”
We also get this one guy who really likes Diablo III. In fact, he can’t even finish a sentence without mentioning it. The game does tickle him in the pants, after all.
This one has made a brilliant allusion to The Lord of The Rings, stating that those disappointed with the game are like Gollum; they just can’t live without their precious. In fact, they often go so far as to abandon their wives and kids in hotel rooms.
Finally, we come to the messiah. A guy so wise that he has found the correct ideology; one of neutrality. That’s right, he doesn’t love or hate the game, he simply thinks it’s ok. This has apparently pleased the gods so much, they turned him into a bunch of slugs. yeah.
Come back next week for another side-splitting episode of Concerning Comments, every Thursday here at OnlySP.